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brightstarmara
18 November 2020 @ 01:25 pm
Most of my posts are friends only from now. Working on a nice banner for this post.

I'm boring and post random things with no information what so ever. My interest are all over the place and change a lot. I don't bite, unless you ask me to.

So, if you feel you can handle a little crazy, comment here and I'll add you. Unless you have nothing in your profile and nothing visible at all in your LJ. Once bitten by trolls, you tend to be carefull.
 
 
 
brightstarmara
28 September 2014 @ 06:32 pm
Way to set up a billion epis in one go!
 
 
 
brightstarmara
28 September 2014 @ 05:44 pm
SpoilersCollapse )
 
 
 
brightstarmara
23 September 2014 @ 07:07 pm
When it comes to getting through days, bad tv helps. Well, not even bad. Just guilty pleasures. Teen Wolf is good for that. But, aparently I failed to notice Hemlock Grove. With Famke Jansen (who is still stunning). And werewolves. And gore. And sexscenes that actually look like the woman/girl is having some too?

There are two rape scenes. Which...why? How sad is it that my first thought was at least they didn't make excuses for it like in TVD? MESS.

I don't think I'll ever be able to see, read or hear anything ever again without thinking about it in terms of misogyny. Or how we are still second class to men.

Either way, I just had 4 days off from work and spend most of that time marathoning this show. It is much darker and grittier (is that a word? I need to go sleep) than any of the other shows I'm too old for.

I need as many distractions as I can get. And running is something I still can't do every day. So lets hear it for guilty pleasures!!!!
 
 
 
brightstarmara
03 September 2014 @ 07:23 pm
OMG, I might just have had my first tickbite. I flushed it down the tiolet and smushing it in a papertowel.

I thought it was a piece of dirt on my legs, but it was sort of stuck. And then I noticed it moving. I am done with this planet and want to disinfect my entire house and everything in it! How the hell did it survive me showering?

Ew.
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brightstarmara
01 September 2014 @ 05:12 pm
Still not in the vacation mode. But I will get there. Today I did very little, just shopping and cooking. But... I seriously cooked, with like, ingredients and everything! Got batteries for my smoke detectors and flashlight. But that is it for usefull things.

I do plan on cleaning at least my kitchen. Because ew.
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brightstarmara
30 August 2014 @ 08:48 pm
Safe  
The fire on wednesday hit me harder than I thought at first. I guess it's the idea that my safety zone isn't that safe at all.

My little house is where I run to and where I hide. With depression and anxiety you need a place to go underground and hide from the things that scare you. And when everything including yourself scares you, your home is all you have realy.

Hopefully I'll feel better soon and more in control. That would be good because last night I was scared to go to sleep.
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brightstarmara
28 August 2014 @ 12:04 am
fuck! We just had a fire in the building. Everything turned out okay, but fuck! Yesterday I heard a firealarm going off, but who ever it was turned it off. So when I heard it today I didn't think anything of it. It was coming from upstairs and I could hear their tv and them walking around. So I figured everything was okay. So went to bed with my earplugs in.

I heard sirens pretty close so I got up. And saw lights... I grabbed Malou and shoved her into her travelbag (ouch on both sides). Grabbed my phone, cash, bankcard and for some reason my work id. Put on a sweater. The firemen were running up the stairs. So I just yelled WHAT DO I DO. They told me to stay in the house with the doors shut. Which sounded like it wasn't that big of a deal. But I panicked. Called my parents. They came over and lied to the cops that they live here. My mom had already tried to work out where me and Malou would stay in their house.

By the time I saw the second firemen light up a smoke I figured we were in the clear. All the onlookers were leaving too.

So. Good trial run I guess? All I need to change in get extra batteries for the flashlight and put the key to my parents place on my keychain. Malou's travelcase is in the apartment and I have some rope on both balconies. There is that. She hates me right now. I'll give her some milk.

No sleep for the wicked, I think. We all got lucky. Tomorow, I'm checking all my smoke detectors and making a to do list.

Fire scares the shit out of me. And the fact that I need earplugs to sleep... Had I not been awake, I would have slept through this though.
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brightstarmara
24 August 2014 @ 09:04 pm
Life  
It shocks me how I still feel about myself. How low my self esteem still is. It has gotten better, but mostly in my head. Deep down I still have enormous doubts.
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brightstarmara
18 August 2014 @ 07:38 pm
This has been a hard year, work wise. And since work has been the biggest part of my life for the last 10 years that means life has been hard.

A few weeks ago it just hit me that there is another side to all this. And it's a good one. I'm not terrified of loosing my job anymore. I wouldn't love it, but that feeling of terror is gone. If I have to leave the hospital, I'll be fine. After everything that was said and done, my loyalty toward the organisation has changed. It's not gone, but I'am no longer in it body and soul. No more blood, sweat and tears.

I feel like this huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. There are probably more sucky things to come, but I don't think it will effect me the way all of this has.

The social worker I've been talking to said; don't love the company because it will never love you. And that is true.

In the meantime, I'm still not brave enough to become active in the online dating thing. I haven't logged in since the second time. But I'll get there.

My body has slowly been releasing all the stress that has been building since december. Not fun, but there is nothing I can do but try to eat well and sleep a lot. And, more and more learning how to think and feel the ol' FUCK YOU a little more.
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